Escape of the Bellerophon

[pagad]

To save space and time the full story can be found HERE (http://www.battlestarpegasus.com/wiki/Escape_of_the_Bellerophon).

For those who don't know, it's a story about the escape of the Mercury class battlestar Bellerophon from the destruction of the Twelve Colonies to make her own journey.

It's currently ongoing. I will be releasing updates as frequently as possible. Which is not that frequently at the moment, admittedly.

[stavrosg]

Really good read! Please, go on :)

[Georgiotje]

That was like a really good story, where would you place this story in the timeline? At the time of the fall of the twelve colonies? Or did they find each other? Well, atleast I am hoping you will continue your story. Good job!

[Leroy Morte]

Very well done. I loved it.

[pagad]

Anyone who's still reading this: from now on I'm going to update the story on www.battlestarpegasus.com (http://www.battlestarpegasus.com). This simplifies things for me so I don't have to copy-paste into multiple forums :P

http://en.battlestarpegasus.com/wiki/Escape_of_the_Bellerophon

I'll keep posting "update" messages, though.

I've got exams at the moment. Going to have to put this off for a bit. Cheers.

[ShadowEnigma]

Good luck with Exams! Finished mine last week.

[pagad]

=SMALL UPDATE=

Nothing to get too excited about.

[Georgiotje]

Good luck with your exams, and please continue. It's a very cool story... What's going to happen next?

[pagad]

Stuff that has happened before, and will happen again. :D

[pagad]

Small update - well, a retcon really - to what I call the battle of Sagitarron. It's much more interesting now, rather than just "Bellerophon blows shit up".

Oh, and ship specs and background are now available at BattlestarPegasus.com (http://en.battlestarpegasus.com/wiki/bellerophon).

EDIT: small "real" update, too.

[Joe Beaudoin Jr.]

Wow! Way to take the bull by the horns! :D

[pagad]

With the story, or the background? :D

Post-exams, I'm gonna do a mega-write. I want to get it up to concurrent events with S4.

[Joe Beaudoin Jr.]

All of it. :D

[pagad]

UPDATE

Eh, forget that last update. I accidently put the wrong text in from a draft.

The real thing's on there now. http://library.battlestarmod.com/modules/Forums/images/smiles/icon_smile.gif

It's more develop-ey. To use the technical term.

[Georgiotje]

The last sentence is 'Granger walked out'?

[pagad]

I think that's right. That's how far I'd got before the update.

I haven't added anything new beyond how far I'd already got. Just added some more to what was already there.

[pagad]

Retcons, retcons, more flaming retcons. I had forgotten how much stuff that I wasn't happy with I'd re-written.

It's the second basestar scene this time. Re-written to be more plausible.

http://en.battlestarpegasus.com/wiki/Escape_of_the_Bellerophon

[Georgiotje]

I'm waiting for Ragnar... so HURRY UP!

[pagad]

You might possibly get an update soonish.

But I'm not promising.

[Georgiotje]

Yes, you have to promise me:lol:

[Georgiotje]

Come on i'm waiting:lol:

[pagad]

Look, dude, last exam is on Monday :p

[pagad]

And from out of the blue

Panic! At The Munitions Depot

UPDATE (http://en.battlestarpegasus.com/wiki/Escape_of_the_Bellerophon)

[mariarilke]

Congrats! It's really good. I thoroughly enjoyed the story :)

[Brian A. Reed]

Excellent addition, Pagad. Once again. Keep them coming!

[pagad]

By tommorow evening I'm free of exams.

Expect FAR more frequent updates. :D

[Georgiotje]

hokay:D

[pagad]

UPDATE (http://www.battlestarpegasus.com/wiki/Escape_of_the_Bellerophon)

[Georgiotje]

I'm really following this story, so i'm hoping i'll receive an update soon:D

[pagad]

Hurrah, I finally have mod rights to this sub-forum.

Changed the thread title and deleted redundant posts.

[Sharon.Valerii]

Cool story, I hope to read more of it, really good work

[pagad]

The Helia is now the Oberon.

This is the final name change, I swear.

Real update coming soon, folks.

[pagad]

Like now (http://en.battlestarpegasus.com/wiki/Escape_of_the_Bellerophon).

[stavrosg]

Its getting better and better! Go on! :)

[Georgiotje]

Yeah it's really good now. Keep up the good work:thumbsup:

[genji2000]

Do you do any other writing, like not BSG?

The story is getting quite tense now. I think you're a lot more focused on the characters than in the earlier chapters.

The one criticism I would make is the scene on the disabled Basestar above the algae planet, when Granger encounters the dead humanoid Cylons. Why does he jump to the conclusion that they're Cylons? Wouldn't he assume they were prisoners? You could explain that there were multiple copies of the same model there, or you could have one or two of them (maybe not in that decompressed chamber but from elsewhere on the ship) still alive somehow. Granger could 'rescue' them, and then you get another subplot of how they come to be identified as Cylons over time back on the Bellerophon. The real show always dealt with individual Cylons hidden in the fleet. It'd be a bit of a twist to see how two Cylons interact with the humans and with each other.

Just a thought.

[pagad]

Thanks genji, I'm glad (and slightly surprised) that you like it.

In answer to your first question: I do a fair bit of writing. I'm using this story as a practice for writing science fiction in general - my dream (however unobtainable it seems at the moment...) is to become an SF author.

But that's a long, long way off. I'm under no illusions that I have nowhere near the talent neccessary and my story-writing skills are still quite primitive.

Writing a story set within BSG is easier because I don't have to do a great deal of description - people know what a battlestar looks like, a basestar looks like etc etc, so I'm using that as a crutch for now. :)

In answer to the second: he assumes the room he's in is something equivalent to a basestar CIC and since it doesn't resemble a prison he has to assume that the corpses are Cylons. I think I did write that he notices similarities. I admit that that bit is a little ropey but it was neccessary to advance the plot.

As to the character comment: yes. There will be less epic space battles in the future because I want to focus on the effects on the fleet of a leader who is somewhat of a halfway house between Adama and Cain. He wants it to survive, but there's no Quorum, no President, and he holds the ultimate power and responsibility in Bellerophon.

[genji2000]

Thanks genji, I'm glad (and slightly surprised) that you like it.

Why? I told Mercer I thought this was good. Of course, I'm always going to wind you up about it. I don't think it's the best thing I've ever read, but I think you need encouragement and comment if you're just starting out.

In answer to your first question: I do a fair bit of writing. I'm using this story as a practice for writing science fiction in general - my dream (however unobtainable...) is to become an SF author.

But that's a long, long way off. I'm under no illusions that I have nowhere near the talent neccessary and my story-writing skills are still quite primitive.

Well, I don't think it is a long way off. I think a genre-based publisher might pick you up if you come up with an original story, and from there it's just a case of write, write, write. It is a skill you can develop, not always a god-given talent, and I think your skills are developing in this story. For example, in the first few scenes I felt the characters were there just to relay the dialogue, which was pretty dry. Latterly though there's more "he snarled" or "he snapped" and the dialogue has more purpose. I think you're concentrating more on the motivation behind the dialogue from the character's perspective, and I think you should develop that.

Writing a story set within BSG is easier because I don't have to do a great deal of description - people know what a battlestar looks like, a basestar looks like etc etc, so I'm using that as a crutch for now. :)

In answer to the second: he assumes the room he's in is something equivalent to a basestar CIC and since it doesn't resemble a prison he has to assume that the corpses are Cylons. I think I did write that he notices similarities.

OK well it's your story. I was just suggesting something I thought might be a challenge. I also think some of the scenarios you've set up are too similar to what's happened in the show (the algae planet/tylium moon for example, or Halstrom shooting his XO). However, that's not really a negative because you're rightly concentrating on the skill at the moment rather than the scenarios.

I'm not sure what you read but I might venture to suggest Bernard Cornwell (e.g. The Warlord Chronicles, Harlequin, Heretic and Vagabond, or even just Stonehenge). It's not sci-fi but he writes battle scenes, tactics and political relations very well I think, and with the summer break now upon you you should have the time.

[pagad]

With the number of retcons I've done already, I'd rather not alter something like that. As I acknowledged in my edit, it's ropey, but it's also neccessary to advance the plot. They've got to find out about the humanoid Cylons some way or another, and this way at least is different from how Galactica/Pegasus discovered them.

The similarities in plot points like the ones you've described are slightly deliberate in drawing some parallels but for the greater part are also due to a lack of imagination on my part. I wanted to square away the food crisis so I could move on and I couldn't think of another way of doing it.

I did read a Cornwell novel at some point...can't remember the title, something to do with finding the Holy Grail. Heretic?

[genji2000]

With the number of retcons I've done already, I'd rather not alter something like that. As I acknowledged in my edit, it's ropey, but it's also neccessary to advance the plot. They've got to find out about the humanoid Cylons some way or another, and this way at least is different from how Galactica/Pegasus discovered them.

The similarities in plot points like the ones you've described are slightly deliberate in drawing some parallels but for the greater part are also due to a lack of imagination on my part. I wanted to square away the food crisis so I could move on and I couldn't think of another way of doing it.

Plus it allows you to develop your technique without having to invent the scenarios. I'm not sure exactly what defines fan-fiction but I guess that's a part of it.

I did read a Cornwell novel at some point...can't remember the title, something to do with finding the Holy Grail. Heretic?

I think Heretic was the second book of the trilogy.

[pagad]

I'm finding the biggest challenge is translating what I have in my head into writing. I visualise events in my head and sometimes is quite hard to translate what I'm seeing accurately. For example, seeing a battlestar wasting some basestars to the tune of All Along The Watchtower isn't easy to faithfully transcribe :)

What makes BSG's battlescenes so effective is the "documentary" (zoomy and focus-ey, to use the technical terms) style in which they're filmed, and it's not something that comes across easily in writing.

[genji2000]

I'm finding the biggest challenge is translating what I have in my head into writing. I visualise events in my head and sometimes is quite hard to translate what I'm seeing accurately.

Oh yeah I know that feeling. I write music but what I find difficult is capturing something before it gets submerged in my mind by something else. To try to get around this I sing them into my phone. Maybe you could scribble just odd words or sentences to make sure you capture something of the scene. Then rewrite and rewrite it. Try writing the scene, then saving the file. Write the scene again without referring to the original, save that. Leave it a day or so and write the scene again without reference to the others. When you think you're getting there, get the old versions up and see if there's anything in there that you could use. Like, an actor will try performing a scene in different ways until they nail it. Try writing the same thing in different ways until you get it to where you want it.

For example, seeing a battlestar wasting some basestars to the tune of All Along The Watchtower isn't easy to faithfully transcribe :)

What makes BSG's battlescenes so effective is the "documentary" (zoomy and focus-ey, to use the technical terms) style in which they're filmed, and it's not something that comes across easily in writing.

Well that (obviously not the camera movements) is why I recommended Bernard Cornwell - I think he writes battle scenes really well, although I'm sure others could suggest other writers who are equally good. And you should always read, as I'm sure you know, just to absorb techniques and phrasing, even if its just subconsciously.

[pagad]

Oh yeah. I spend literally (ha-ha! pun) half my time reading, perhaps a little too much actually - if I start reading a good book I often finish it in one sitting.

Which is why I'm so bemused and saddened at the attitudes sadly a lot of people my age hold toward reading. They seem to treat it as a chore...

[genji2000]

Oh yeah. I spend literally (ha-ha! pun) half my time reading, perhaps a little too much actually - if I start reading a good book I often finish it in one sitting.

Which is why I'm so bemused and saddened at the attitudes sadly a lot of people my age hold toward reading. They seem to treat it as a chore...

Not much you can do about that. With so many other high quality diversions these days (Xboxes, DVDs, cable TV, not to mention the internet) reading is a chore in a way. It requires more effort and even though the rewards are so much greater than TV or video games that effort is too much for people who want easy, instant gratification.

[pagad]

Well, off the top of my head I can think of a TV show and a videogame - Battlestar Galactica (obviously) and Mass Effect - that have been as rewarding as a really good book. But that's because they're as deep and involving plot- and character-wise, and I get your point.

I tend to read in the mornings, evenings and late at night rather than during the day when I'm doing other stuff. So I guess that's why I don't view it as a chore - I read while relaxing.

[Sharon.Valerii]

I hope the story will not make Haelstrom a second Cain. By shooting Granger he lost a lot of my sympathy, even if it was a very stressed situation

[genji2000]

I hope the story will not make Haelstrom a second Cain. By shooting Granger he lost a lot of my sympathy, even if it was a very stressed situation

I suspect the story is going to explore the stresses battlestar commanders find themselves under in order to further justify Cain's actions.

I might be wrong.

[Sharon.Valerii]

I suspect the story is going to explore the stresses battlestar commanders find themselves under in order to further justify Cain's actions.

I might be wrong.

Maybe, but it sounds a lot like Cain, and to the time it is an exciting story, but what stress you ever feel, NO Officer has he right to simply shoot his
inferiors, whatever happens, as it divorces the chain of command, and if they lead with "might is right", of which use is then law and order ???

[genji2000]

Maybe, but it sounds a lot like Cain, and to the time it is an exciting story, but what stress you ever feel, NO Officer has he right to simply shoot his
inferiors, whatever happens, as it divorces the chain of command, and if they lead with "might is right", of which use is then law and order ???

Actually, in military law, I think the officer in charge does have the right to execute a subordinate, particularly to quell a mutiny (pagad?). But it is an extreme action under extreme circumstances.

[Sharon.Valerii]

Actually, in military law, I think the officer in charge does have the right to execute a subordinate, particularly to quell a mutiny (pagad?). But it is an extreme action under extreme circumstances.

In case of a mutiny, an officer has the right to quell a mutiny, as an subordinate must remove an officer who unseems fit of command. to judge
this is very difficult. Ever seen the movie "Crimson Tide" ?? It´s a good example of this dilemma.

But if there is a mutiny in modern military, no one is to be executed with a proper trial. so what Haelstrom did to Granger or Cain to her XO was simple murder, nohing more, nothing less.

[stavrosg]

There is a more cynical approach: As the head of the up-to-then known syrviving fleet, he convicted Granger to death for mutiny, and executed the penalty.

Cruel? yes. But with this action, both Cain and Haelstorm secured the unquestioning obedience from their crews. Well, Cain for sure. We should see for Haelstorm

[genji2000]

In case of a mutiny, an officer has the right to quell a mutiny, as an subordinate must remove an officer who unseems fit of command. to judge
this is very difficult. Ever seen the movie "Crimson Tide" ?? It´s a good example of this dilemma.

But if there is a mutiny in modern military, no one is to be executed with a proper trial. so what Haelstrom did to Granger or Cain to her XO was simple murder, nohing more, nothing less.

We are talking about colonial military law. In colonial civilian law we know that the penalty for treason is death. Isn't it likely that under military law the commander of the battlestar can legitimately execute his/her XO for mutiny under extreme circumstances?

It is complicated by the scene on board the Demetrius at the end of The Road Less Travelled, where Helo quotes colonial military code when he relieves Kara Thrace of command.

Maybe in the next chapter pagad will show us Halstrom's arrest as an example of what should have been done on board the Pegasus after Cain shot her XO. :devil:

[Sharon.Valerii]

That remains to be seen, I´m looking forward to the next chapter

[pagad]

Ok I think the Cain/Belzen parallel is distorting things a little bit.

Remember, Belzen's execution was much less justified - Halstrom initially tries to have Granger taken away to the brig, and Belzen was not inciting mutiny. I'm not saying Halstrom was justified in his action but he has a better rationale in that Granger is inciting mutiny.

Interesting that you brought up Colonial law - one of the things I set up earlier was that some of the civilians were unhappy with martial law and Halstrom isn't going to tolerate "some frakking lawyers" putting the fleet's survival at risk. He's seen his XO grow increasingly unhappy with his actions, seeing them as foolhardy and reckless, and Granger's outburst has put him over the edge.

Further, he's cracking psychologically, and I want to explore this a bit.

Final note (this post would be longer if I wasn't shattered) Cain had only the survival of her ship to consider for the purposes of revenge whereas Halstrom is trying to save what he believes is left of humanity (yes, he knows of Galactica's survival, but doesn't rate her chances of survival too highly).

Next update will be a while as I have a busy week, I'm afraid.

[genji2000]

In Dirty Hands Adama tells Tyrol what the military does with mutineers: "We shoot them."

[pagad]

Yeah. Exactly. In a battle for survival you can't let anything jeopardise that.

Halstrom or Cain in Adama's shoes would likely have had Zarek shot right after the water crisis was over, because he's a nexus for trouble. Would that have been the right thing to do? Adama or even Roslin might have done the same thing if not for Lee getting in the way with the troublesome legal niceties he's known for.

[pagad]

I am sorry about the lack of updates but I am

1) Working through ideas

2) Really tired from other stuff

3) Refining bits.

Just for future notice. This is not a project which I am willing to let wither and die, but I do want to keep quality consistent and unrushed.

[genji2000]

I am sorry about the lack of updates but I am

2) Really tired from other stuff

Oh, give it a rest. Morning, noon and night.

[pagad]

Contrary to popular belief, I do have a life. :lol:

[pagad]

Yeah, minor update. (http://en.battlestarpegasus.com/wiki/Escape_of_the_Bellerophon) The event of Granger's death has been "humanised" slightly. I know some people were unsatisfied with it.

[Brian A. Reed]

Not that you needed a revision, but an excellent update nonetheless. I can't wait for the next installment!

[pagad]

I wish there was a more interesting way of doing this but

Updates and shiz (http://en.battlestarpegasus.com/wiki/Escape_of_the_Bellerophon).

[genji2000]

That one was really good. It's flowing quite nicely now. Was it a struggle? You said you've been waiting for the creativity to flow. Sometimes think the desolation of writer's block can yield good results.

[pagad]

So there's an update. (http://www.battlestarpegasus.com/wiki/Escape_of_the_Bellerophon) I was debating whether to include more material but I want to get ahead a bit.

[genji2000]

So there's an update. (http://www.battlestarpegasus.com/wiki/Escape_of_the_Bellerophon) I was debating whether to include more material but I want to get ahead a bit.

At frakking last. I thought you were going going to be more prolific after your exams.

I'll give it a read and get back...

[pagad]

That's what I thought too. But real-life caught up with me. And laziness.

[genji2000]

Wow. I'm flummoxed and completely torn about it. I love the way it's (at last) going a different way from the BSG story. It's amazing. It's like taking the kernel of the Amorak character but turning it into something much bigger. Well done. You have to stick with this story and use the BSG stuff as the background.

However - using Sagittarons to experiment on? I don't like it at all. It doesn't seem like the colonial society we know. But this is a personal criticism and I still think you should stick with it.

But, ouch. 'Houdrini'? I don't care if it's a false name - change it. 'Houdrin' is better. Or 'Hourdin' - that way Granger's mispronunciation still makes sense.

Bottom line is - well done. It's really becoming your story now instead of RDM's.

[pagad]

Regarding the Sagitarron "experiments" - the Colonial federal government was not aware of how far Magellan was taking them. Magellan went completely rogue. Adar's administration knew they were doing some ethically dubious things, but mostly turned a blind eye to what it was doing. Colonial society would have been shocked and revolted if it was made public, which is what Houdrini's organisation was trying to do. Prisoner abuse isn't exactly unknown in our culture, either.

Yeah, I reckon I'll probably change Houdrini's name. It is a little bit silly.

[genji2000]

Like I said, I'm appalled at it, but don't change it. Take it your own way.

Truly - top marks for this instalment.

[stavrosg]

Just read it, too...
Yay, what a twist! I really want to see more of it :)

[pagad]

Like I said, I'm appalled at it, but don't change it. Take it your own way.

Truly - top marks for this instalment.

You'll like his real name much more, anyway. :D

stavrosg: Thanks! :)

[Georgiotje]

:):thumbsup:

[pagad]

There's not going to be another update for quite a long time. I'm off to America next week.

I'm working on it, though :)

[Joe Beaudoin Jr.]

There's not going to be another update for quite a long time. I'm off to America next week.

I'm working on it, though :)

What brings you to America?

[pagad]

"You British types ain't welcome here."

Just a holiday :)

[pagad]

I lied.

Small update. (http://en.battlestarpegasus.com/wiki/Escape_of_the_Bellerophon)

The story has been a bit - well, woefully - lacking in the character department. This smallish update is the first step I'm taking towards rectifying.

And the next update should have a...special guest star, you might say. This one already includes a cameo by one (minor) character from another sci-fi story. Very minor, mind.

[pagad]

I apologise for the long hiatus, but I want to get a lot more done before the next update. Taking a couple of risks, and I want to polish it rather than release something half-baked.

[genji2000]

That's just like a red rag to a bull.

[pagad]

I try. :thumbsup:

[Stairway]

I just finished reading the first two parts. It made me want to continue. :)

[pagad]

Ok, guys, I sincerely apologise about the lack of activity these past couple of weeks (ahem).

But there is a smallish update.

Enjoy (http://battlestarpegasus.com/wiki/Escape_of_the_Bellerophon)

I am a tad nervous about this one. I might be heading into disastrous territory.

[Georgiotje]

Why are you heading into disastrous territory? Are you making him a head character? Or just a wild dream?

[genji2000]

Is there any way of linking the update to the section of text where the update begins?

[pagad]

Is there any way of linking the update to the section of text where the update begins?

I can link it to the nearest day, as days are title headings for "sections". (http://en.battlestarpegasus.com/wiki/Escape_of_the_Bellerophon#F12.2B52)

[genji2000]

Scuttlebutt? 'Joker'? 'Hogan'? What, have you been reading Charles Dickens, watching The Dark Knight and hitting the wiki for inspiration for names?

"'Jittery enough to accidently blow you out the sky, yeah.'" - this is fine because in speech people do sometimes drop the preposition.

"the new recruits weren’t up to being flung into space at high velocities out the launchtubes yet." - not in the narrative, though, please, unless the narrative is reflecting a character's inner voice.

"Man was a machine." - who? Mankind, or "the man", the CAG?

"Didn’t matter the CAG himself was flying lead," - what? Where's the "if" gone?

"the military had requested that all civilians in the fleet with any kind of flight training – aeronautical or astronautical – report for flight training," - maybe "with any kind of flight experience"?

"Sheila 'Tomcat' Henderson" - and watching Speed?

"Foehammer" - lol.

That's where I'm up to. Gotta work now. Will read the rest later.

I point out these niggling little lulz (http://www.battlestarforum.com/showthread.php?p=1136#post1136) in order to be able to heap praise on this update without sounding like your little geisha. I think this episode marks a significant improvement in your skills and is highly engaging and believable, and feels a lot more natural. The little flight exercise scene was very enjoyable.

Some time later...

So was the conversation between Halstrom and Keating also part of the dream?

[pagad]

Scuttlebutt? 'Joker'? 'Hogan'? What, have you been reading Charles Dickens, watching The Dark Knight and hitting the wiki for inspiration for names?

"'Jittery enough to accidently blow you out the sky, yeah.'" - this is fine because in speech people do sometimes drop the preposition.

"the new recruits weren’t up to being flung into space at high velocities out the launchtubes yet." - not in the narrative, though, please, unless the narrative is reflecting a character's inner voice.

"Man was a machine." - who? Mankind, or "the man", the CAG?

"Didn’t matter the CAG himself was flying lead," - what? Where's the "if" gone?

"the military had requested that all civilians in the fleet with any kind of flight training – aeronautical or astronautical – report for flight training," - maybe "with any kind of flight experience"?

"Sheila 'Tomcat' Henderson" - and watching Speed?

"Foehammer" - lol.

That's where I'm up to. Gotta work now. Will read the rest later.

Dude, I posted all of that before I went away. :rolleyes:

I point out these niggling little lulz (http://www.battlestarforum.com/showthread.php?p=1136#post1136) in order to be able to heap praise on this update without sounding like your little geisha. I think this episode marks a significant improvement in your skills and is highly engaging and believable, and feels a lot more natural. The little flight exercise scene was very enjoyable.

Some time later...

So was the conversation between Halstrom and Keating also part of the dream?

Well, thank you! :)

In answer to your question: No. What I was shooting for was him falling asleep in his chair due to exhaustion or something similar. It's a bit ambiguous.

[genji2000]

Dude, I posted all of that before I went away. :rolleyes:

Ah, sorry. I must have missed that update.

In answer to your question: No. What I was shooting for was him falling asleep in his chair due to exhaustion or something similar. It's a bit ambiguous.

Right, so it may or may not be a head character. Don't rush the scene where they're together in the lab and the Lt. walks in on them.

[pagad]

Oh, I have that all planned out.

[pagad]

I know I'm getting more and more sluggish with the updates, but bear with me. I have some very interesting events that are coming up rattling inside my head.

[pagad]

Just to formalise what everyone already knows:

Bellerophon is on indefinite hiatus. I hit a writing block and I'm going to be too busy to give much attention to it. I will hopefully get back to it someday.

She's not dead yet, though. The Cylons didn't get her and I'll be damned if some damned writing block does.

*sniff*

[genji2000]

The one criticism I would make is the scene on the disabled Basestar above the algae planet, when Granger encounters the dead humanoid Cylons. Why does he jump to the conclusion that they're Cylons? Wouldn't he assume they were prisoners? You could explain that there were multiple copies of the same model there, or you could have one or two of them (maybe not in that decompressed chamber but from elsewhere on the ship) still alive somehow. Granger could 'rescue' them, and then you get another subplot of how they come to be identified as Cylons over time back on the Bellerophon. The real show always dealt with individual Cylons hidden in the fleet. It'd be a bit of a twist to see how two Cylons interact with the humans and with each other.

This is totally what you should do. You should rewrite it and have Granger rescue a couple of near-dead Cylons. The Bellerophon crew should nurse them back to health and give them quarters and all that, and you should write something left-field about how the Cylons come to trust and depend on (and love?) the humans.

Way out of character for a 'splosion-loving spaceship-onanist like you but it'll challenge you and make you way more appealing to the ladies and all that.

[pagad]

Thank you for the positive criticism (which I do appreciate) but I must protest! There have been little (if any) 'splodes in the latter portions of the story so far, and I did try and wedge in some character development recently. It's not all 'splodes. I'll be the first to admit the characterisation is underweight, though. Granger's death was a bad idea, but I feel like I've gone too far to retcon it. The reasoning behind the "discovery" of humanoid cylons, by the way, was that the marine team arrived at the basestar's command centre, and none of the bodies were being held in restraints as you'd expect prisoners to be.

It's an interesting idea, but Cylon lovin' isn't quite on the agenda for the next portion of the story (which I am actually working on, by the way, it's just taking a while to get stuff right). Hopefully I'll be getting some interaction in beyond firing missiles at each other.

[pagad]

Update (for the first time in ages, yeah, I know I know...) (http://en.battlestarpegasus.com/wiki/Escape_of_the_Bellerophon), and what I hope is an interesting twist on events.

[pagad]

That bad, huh? :p

I'm working on the next bit right now, as I now know how I want to go about the next part (which is something I've been thinking about for a while) so bear with me! :)

[pagad]

If only "update" was a more interesting word (http://en.battlestarpegasus.com/wiki/Escape_of_the_Bellerophon#F12_.2B.C2.A0.3F)

[pagad]

So I'm having a slight crisis with this as I recently looked over it and thought "I wrote that bollocks?!" I mean the few characters are shallow and unlikeable and the whole story - if you can call it that - is jumbled up, hashed together bullshit and...well, it's crap, ain't it? There's nothing original at all, in any of it, until this point. Unlike, say, the rather excellent if extremely long Battlestar Libra, which brings plenty of new things to the table.

HMMM. Revision with ruthless hacking and slashing may be neccessary.

[The Dirt]

Don't be so down on yourself, and don't be overly critical. I haven't read it, but try changing Battlestar Bellerophon to something else, like Luxury Space Yacht Monocles.

[Prolescum]

Dude, from what I understand, it's all about experience, and I think you should absolutely keep doing it. Maybe leave the original as it is and start a re-imagined version where all the characters have deep personal flaws etc. I'm not taking the piss, by the way.
I'm also no writer so my voice isn't an important one, but I have read some of it and it's not sh*t. Anyway, who's gonna write the gospels of Timbo 30 years from now?


...alas, when the time came, four were revealed, whilst one, still in darkness, mooned at the scifi forum's security guard. And so it was, The most high, (praise be to him), with distraction, allowed the acolytes moment enough that yonder fence was scaled...

Pagad 12:17

[The Dirt]

...alas, when the time came, four were revealed, whilst one, still in darkness, mooned at the scifi forum's security guard. And so it was, The most high, (praise be to him), with distraction, allowed the acolytes moment enough that yonder fence was scaled...

Pagad 12:17

Genius!

[genji2000]

So I'm having a slight crisis with this as I recently looked over it and thought "I wrote that bollocks?!" I mean the few characters are shallow and unlikeable and the whole story - if you can call it that - is jumbled up, hashed together bullshit and...well, it's crap, ain't it? There's nothing original at all, in any of it, until this point. Unlike, say, the rather excellent if extremely long Battlestar Libra, which brings plenty of new things to the table.

HMMM. Revision with ruthless hacking and slashing may be neccessary.

I think this is a bit harsh. Re-reading it, you shouldn't be looking for perfection. You should be looking for development from the early part of the story to the latter part, and I can see it.

[pagad]

We'll see. Some bits of it really gnaw at me as being bad ideas that I would like to get rid of.

The thing that really bugs me is that for a significant chunk there's only two real characters with everyone else being some faceless flunky. As a result it's not that interesting.

[thevarrior]

So I'm having a slight crisis with this as I recently looked over it and thought "I wrote that bollocks?!" I mean the few characters are shallow and unlikeable and the whole story - if you can call it that - is jumbled up, hashed together bullshit and...well, it's crap, ain't it? There's nothing original at all, in any of it, until this point. Unlike, say, the rather excellent if extremely long Battlestar Libra, which brings plenty of new things to the table.

HMMM. Revision with ruthless hacking and slashing may be neccessary.

It's alright. At least it's not slashfic :-P.

[Hazend]

pagad,

Don't be hard on yourself at all. I really enjoy your writing. As for it being perfect, it doesn't have to be as long as you thoroughly enjoy what you are doing. Libra isn't a perfect story by far either. And to add, your stuff is leaps and bounds ahead of a lot of published stuff i've read.

[pagad]

Thank you all for the kind words, it does actually mean a lot to me. I think I am being a bit too perfectionist - setting unrealistic standards for myself that I consistently fall short of.

I'm just a bit frustrated at the moment...I mean I, personally, dislike all the characters that I've come up with so far and would like to flush them all down a black hole, which makes writing the next bit...tricky.

[CB2001]

Thank you all for the kind words, it does actually mean a lot to me. I think I am being a bit too perfectionist - setting unrealistic standards for myself that I consistently fall short of.

I'm just a bit frustrated at the moment...I mean I, personally, dislike all the characters that I've come up with so far and would like to flush them all down a black hole, which makes writing the next bit...tricky.


Don't worry. I've had my fair share of problems with characters that have made me want to just delete the profile I made of them and pretend that they never existed.

And don't beat yourself up about the standards. Every writer has probably had that. All I can say is just roll with the punches, no matter what the standards are. :D