Starbuck ate my hamster

[genji2000]

This might be another epic fail thread by me but I'll give it a go and see who bites.

Each continuation of the story should be one line long and should finish mid-sentence, although you can use full-stops in the middle of the continuation. The continuation should be in bold, comments in normal text.

Actually, sod the rules, just do whatever you want. In bold.

I'll start...


Col. Tigh lifted up Ellen

[laisan]

's camisole and held it to his

[Maxey]

hairy and manly chest, but Gaeta

[stavrosg]

got Dee by the sleeve

[genji2000]

and whispered, "Dualla, Dualla -

[Stairway]

-can't you see what's going on here? The final

[aylinn]

Five are only Four

[Joe Beaudoin Jr.]

and love no more

[genji2000]

," then fell on the floor. Dee leaned over him,

[Joe Beaudoin Jr.]

and saw that his phantom leg cast a shadow

[BaltarstarGalactica]

To hide his embarrassment, Gaeta began rolling on the floor in "pain" and singing, "Alone she sleeps in the skin of man.."

[genji2000]

Dee ignored this and asked, "Gaeta, how come I can see your

[BaltarstarGalactica]

leg? But before Gaeta could reply

[pagad]

a Cylon basestar

[genji2000]

wiped the Pegasus out of existence. "Holy frak," said



Baltarstar - remember your punctuation. This is not a drill.

[laisan]

Tigh with a bewildered look on his face as the Pegasus disappeared from the dradis

[pagad]

because she made an emergency jump while Galactica

[genji2000]

launched all its Vipers and did that wall of bullets solution thing. The ensuing battle was

[pagad]

long, bloody and epic, although it did leave the Viper pilots quite hungry. Unfortunately, the toast was

[Brian A. Reed]

made of processed and pressed algae paste, which tasted terrible. Racetrack, with a mouthful of

[pagad]

Oh the possibilities.

the said proccessed algae mumbled that she'd like some real toast from a real toaster, to which Athena replied

[Brian A. Reed]

Thought you might like that. Shane must not yet be awake. :)

"I have the BEST recipe for

[genji2000]

love, made with extract of Helo. "I'm up for some of that!" said

[pagad]

Gaeta, enthusiastically. Suddenly

[Maxey]

Racetrack shows up and says: "Helo is mine

[genji2000]

Maxey - check your tense.

," targeted Galactica's nukes on the Pegasus (which had just jumped back) and blew her out of the sky. "Thank the gods," she

[Maxey]

Maxey - check your tense.

," targeted Galactica's nukes on the Pegasus (which had just jumped back) and blew her out of the sky. "Thank the gods," she
What the hell? That wasn't a direct continuation of my line. Oh well...

whispered. The she sat on a chair and wondered

[Joe Beaudoin Jr.]

what tricks the Cylon bitch taught Helo.

[pagad]

I am afraid, genji m'boy, you cannot get rid of me that easily.

Meanwhile, the Pegasus had just reconstructed itself because of the super-duper-constructo-deus-ex-machina-thing it had been fitted with, and Admiral Cain was understandably a little pissed. "What -" said Lee

[laisan]

Looking around the CIC. "Pegasus must be destroyed! They could be infiltrated by the Cylons!" whipsers Head-Six to Baltar. "Yes! Pegasus must be destroyed! They could be infiltrated by the, the Cylons!" exclaims Baltar pointing at the dradis and looking to Roslin

[pagad]

any further attempts to destroy the Pegasus will be subject to "edification" as I am mod of this sub-forum. Hee hee hee.

who in horror realised the comm channel with the Pegasus was still open. Admiral Cain had had enough of these frakwits and decided to jump away to go kick Cylon ass. Meanwhile the Final Cylon strolled into Galactica's CIC and

[Maxey]

who immediately ordered Adama to charge tha lazers

[pagad]

and shoop some serious woop. Baltar

[laisan]

any further attempts to destroy the Pegasus will be subject to "edification" as I am mod of this sub-forum. Hee hee hee.

ooh! you cheat! :p

looks in shock at the Final Cylon, "You?? But I thought

[pagad]

it was me!"

"No," replied the Final Cylon. "It is in fact ME!" The Final Cylon was none other than

[Maxey]

the tattooed Asian guy. Roslin

[laisan]

whipped out her nunchucks from her belt

[Bruce]

and replaced Baltar's eyes with hot bees which led to him saying 'thanks, I never need to see Hollyoaks ever again', he then walked straight into

[Zod]

I was wondering where that hamster went.

[Prolescum]

I was wondering where that hamster went.
I think nostrodamus has it.
(sorry, continue...)

[genji2000]

I was wondering where that hamster went.

Which? The one Freddie Starbuck ate or the one you have in your hand, raring to go?

[laisan]

the hangar deck thinking it was Joe's Bar. Baltar says to Tyrol, thinking he was Joe, "a glass of ambrosia my good man". But before the Chief could reply

[Bruce]

he, rather inexplicably, started 'busting out the maddest rhymes and ting', turned out he was harbouring a terrible secret. He was a member of So Solid Crew which, of course, meant that Cally

[laisan]

had 21 seconds to go, just 21 seconds to t-t-t..Whilst Baltar and Cally were busting their moves, to the horror of the Chief, Tigh comes striding into the hangar deck. "Chief!" Tigh shouts; then he spots Baltar and Cally "giving it some" by Apollo's Viper. "What the frak is going on in here?" demands Tigh, but before the Chief could explain

[genji2000]

the voice of Helo boomed from the PA. "This is not a drill. We are under attack. Two Basestars, multiple Raider squadrons. Get back to your posts. Do your jobs." Chief Tyrol blushed, pointlessly, and started barking

[pagad]

. Cally asked why the Chief was doing his dog impression at this time when

[genji2000]

the first blast hit the port hangar deck (or whatever it's called). "My gods," growled Tigh. "When was the last time we had a new paragraph?"

The vipers were scrambled, none too soon, and Tigh sauntered back to the

[pagad]

engine room. There was no particular reason for him to be there but he went there anyway. Meanwhile

[genji2000]

, back on Caprica, a new menace revealed itself.

Ex-champion darts player Ferdinando del Hitler, who had been conducting hit-and-run assaults on long-abandoned Cylon bases, looked up at the tall, handsome, short-haired fellow before him.

"My name is Karl," said the Alexander-like apparition. "It's gonna be okay. I've been to Earth. I'm gonna take you there. I'll take you there."

"But," remonstrated Ferdinando, "I saw you leave, with that ponce Anders and the Cylon whore..."

"No my friend," spoke the Agathon, and his words collapsed mountains and parted streams as he spoke them. "I have returned, and, honest, it's gonna be okay."

He took Fernandinho by the hand and

[pagad]

kissed him passionately. Meanwhile Pegasus was bombing the shit out of the Cylon fleet and homeworld out of sheer badassery while back on Galactica, Admiral "Hard Six" Adama was caressing his Adamastache, thinking deeply philosophical thoughts and solving all the problems of the universe while beating the crap out of the basestars. Roslin was tripping on New Caprican loco weed with Baltar

[BaltarstarGalactica]

when from out of nowhere they were acosted by four midgets.

[Bruce]

The midgets had stowed away on the fanfictiontastic escaped Battlestar Minogue and were immediately arrested and killed for smuggling small arms. Thankfully. Midgets are evil.

[pagad]

Minogue's commander was called Commander Kylie, which is another clever reference to contemporary life, following the use of "All Along The Watchtower". Meanwhile

[genji2000]

, as the authors started to state the bloody obvious, Racetrack felt a little

[pagad]

hot. So she started stripping, naturally. Shane

[genji2000]

felt a slight tug. And a tear. "I'm sorry Jesus," came the howl, as Timbo crept stealthily towards


I don't know what that Searider Falcon bloke wants to put so much effort in for. It's all right here.

[pagad]

Tigh, an axe grasped firmly in his hands, eyes fixed on Tigh's shiny bald pate, determined to find "that chip, that chip, my precious". Starbuck and Kat started

[Georgiotje]

to kiss each other while they were eating donuts, Caprican cheese and

[genji2000]

rubber gloves playing an important role in their

[Bruce]

octogenarian bum-games. It was at this point that a succession of supernovas occured, killing everyone and everything in the BSG universe which was a shame as it rather scuppered this on-going story. Everyone had become a frazzled particle and all known planets, Battlestars, Basestars (or, if you prefer, Bay Stars... LOL etc) were reduced to dust. Pisser. Also,

[genji2000]

as Kat awoke from her near fatal auto-erotic asphyxition, she heard Gaeta singing, "Alone she sleeps in the shirt of man..." and realised that everything between then and now had been an interesting amyl-nitrate-induced dream.

"Thank frak!" she said.

"What?" said

[Prolescum]

Steve, the until now unknown character, "I feel that

[pagad]

I had the weirdest dream."

"No time for that now," said Steve, "Weren't you paying attention in the briefing room? We're about to attack this large Cylon installation that looks like a moon but is in fact a space station. Its only weakness is a small thermal exhaust port which a small one-man fighter could fire a nuclear missile down if they got it just right. We need to fly down a trench to get there so the defence guns don't pick us off."

"Action stations, action stations," blared the PA. "All pilots to their Vipers."

"Look at the size of that thing!" breathed ensign Steve "Wedge" Antilles, as the formation of Vipers and Raptors approached what Starbuck had dubbed a "Doom Sun". Galactica and Pegasus had been left behind because they were no match for the massive laser gun on the Doom Sun's top side, which was apparently capable of destroying a planet.

"Incoming Raiders!"

A vicious dogfight ensued as the Vipers and Raptors battled through to the Doom Sun. They formed up and entered the trench.

Suddenly three Raiders joined the fight that felt different to the rest. Two flanked a third which had a long gash down its face. They chased the Vipers down the trench as they tried to make their attack runs.

Now it was Starbuck's turn, taking Kat and Apollo with her. If Scar could have said anything, it probably would have been I have you now.

Starbuck inexplicably turned off her targeting computer.

"Starbuck, Galactica. We're reading that you've switched off your targeting computer, is everything alright?"

"Galactica, Starbuck. I'm fine."

Scar closed in.

"Let's burn some toast!" shouted Starbuck. Apollo winced.

She fired a nuclear missile towards the thermal exhaust port

I'm kinda disappointed someone else has to continue this now. I want to pick it up and run with it ¬_¬

[laisan]

but then a raider, which was firing and chasing Racetrack's Raptor, flew past! In a split second, Racetrack's Raptor exploded after coming under fire from the raider, which was destroyed by Starbuck's missile. "Frak!" shouted Starbuck in frustration.

It was like a 5th November display as Apollo watched in shock and disbelief as Starbuck accelerated towards the Doom Sun. "Aaaaaaaaaaargh!!" screamed Starbuck, her eyes focused on the thermal exhaust port. "Not again," thought Apollo! "Starbuck! What are you doing? Are you frakking nuts??" he shouted. "Nope, but how about a fruitcake?" answered Starbuck with a smirk.

Meanwhile, back in the CIC

[pagad]

the battle was being monitored as neither battlestar was involved in the attack. Adama, Tigh and the rest of the Galactica command crew were looking at each other nervously like a certain cadre of rebel leaders on a planet called Yavin IV as the pilots' battle chatter echoed around CIC.

Starbuck decided to break off her attack - no way was she going to get another shot at this range.

"Starbuck, Apollo - get this frakkin' thing off me!" shouted Apollo as Scar closed in once more.

"Yee-haw!" screamed Starbuck as she flew in from out of the sun, in the manner of a certain smuggling vessel captained by a similarly cocky pilot.

Scar blew up under Starbuck's fire. "You're all clear Apollo! Now let's blow this frakkin' thing and go home!"

Let go, Lee, he could hear his father saying in his head.

Apollo fired his nuke straight down the thermal port. The remaining Vipers began heading for home.

Brother Cavil had just got the Galactica in range of the Doom Sun's laser when the Doom Sun blew up in a brilliant sparkly explosion as the nuke detonated in the core.

[genji2000]

"Pass the bong," said Kat. "I've got this stupid feeling that this shit has all happened before."

Steve took another hit and passed it over.

"Weren't we supposed to be somewhere?" he drawled. "I think I just

[pagad]

had a great idea for a movie, based on that mission we did yesterday. I'll run it by that film director on the Rising Star."

In a parallel universe, somebody twitched. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Star_Wars_Episode_IV:_A_New_Hope#Writing)

Back on Galactica

[Prolescum]

a shiny circle of temporal energy appeared, before promptly disappearing leaving only a naked man in its stead.
Athena looks over and says

[laisan]

"shiny!" with a smile. But as Tigh helps the man to his feet, Athena recognises him, he is

[pagad]

Kyle Reese, in the wrong universe. He took one look around him and said "Shit".

[genji2000]

A pained expression appeared on his face. "Damn!"

His stomach started to churn. "Oh no."

"That's right," said Tigh. "The tenses are in epic fail. I have no idea if I'm saying something now or if I've already said it."

"What do we do?" asked Steve, earnestly.

"Well, for starters

[pagad]

we need to sort our tenses out through ninja edits. Then, we need to stop referencing every other sci-fi universe, and maybe start talking about stuff that happens in this TV series, you know?"

There was a pause.

"This is a TV series?" said Athena.

[Prolescum]

"We can take stock of how many plot threads we can contain, which ones work and which ones should be thrown out the airlock," Steve said.

Gaius Baltar appears, to the manic sounds of Danny Elfman, and says "so let me get this straight, you think

Bold for story continuation, please - pagad

Sorry. :)

[genji2000]

"No darling," said Helo, softly, surreptitiously winking to Tigh. "He's joshing with you in his wily Tigh way. Go back to sleeper - no, I mean sleep."

"Oh yeah, that might just do it," Tigh growled to Steve. "As long as we don't get frakked over bendy-style by Gaius frakking Baltar coming in in the present tense."

"Damn."

"- I frak everything up by living in the present, for the here and now, taking what I can get while I can get it. Well I get it. And I think

[Prolescum]

I should apologise to all involved whilst exiting slowly backward."


meanwhile,

[pagad]

on Pegasus, Admiral Cain was having an argument with her XO.

*BANG*

"Was" being the key word, here.

"Anyone else want to claim fairy cake tastes better than battenburg?" she hissed, eyes sweeping the CIC.

"I

[laisan]

didn't want it to be a cake or death situation but you asked for it."

[pagad]

Adama was having a similar discussion with Tigh.

"It's not enough to be tasty. Cake has to be worthy of being tasty."

[genji2000]

"Interesting," Tigh retorted. "I would have gone for, 'it's not enough to be eaten - cake has to be worthy of being eaten.'"

"That's why you're the XO," said Adama, "and I'm worthy of being tasty."

Baltar ran at speed through the CIC, narrowly avoiding tables and officers. He was covered in bees.

"Oh my god," he yelled, "I'm covered in bees!"

Tigh's gaze followed Baltar through the doorway.

"Frakking idiot."

Adama turned to the love machine.

[Bruce]

Unfortunately, in very real terms, the cake was made of scat. Thus rendering the whole cake thing absurd and borderline ageist.

At this point Tigh punched a wall which sent the Battlestar Galactica crashing into the Earth incredibly hard, leaving a dent in Peru the size of Peru.

Tigh walked out, feeling marginally dizzy and walked to Italy. On water. Like Jesus but harder and immune to crucifixes yet able to build them just as well as Jesus but with no formal carpentry training. In fact the Tigh crucifix was 50% more efficient, 78% sturdier and once you're pinned to it there is NO resurrection. Not even for Cylons. Or even Jesus Cylons.

ARGH! THAT'S THE ANSWER! Jesus is the final Cylon.

The signs are all there.

Away in a manger, no crib for a bed. Cylons don't have cribs for beds.

The little lord (OF KOBOL!) Jesus laid down his sweet head.

The stars in the bright sky
Looked down where He lay
The little Lord Jesus
Asleep on the hay

HAY... there was hay on New Caprica. Stars in the bright sky. There was a bright sky on New Caprica.

Oh man... that's the answer. Oh.. back on topic...

So Saul Tigh fashioned a remarkably elegant hat out of the Battlestar Bellophoron or however it's spelt and said 'I'm a little teapot...'

[genji2000]

Interesting theory, Bluce, and at this stage anyone's guess is as good as yours, but I think you got a bit over-excited there and overlooked the critical flaw in your theory.

Cylons don't have cribs for beds.

The Cylons kept Hera in a crib on the Baystar in For Whom The Wind Tolls Part 2. But for that oversight your post would have had veracity as well as balls. Sadly, instead, I move to strike it from the canon of this story and continue unabated with the cake thing.

"Helo," he growled. "Can you give us your opinion on the tastiness of this cake?"

Helo looked at Adama. "Take a guess, Mr. Agathon," said the older man.

"The Battenburg," he answered, after due consideration of the unfolded developments. "It tastes like my wife's

[pagad]

oh lordy the temptation

delicious toast that she makes."

"Heh. Your wife is a toaster. And she makes toast. Heheh."

"How droll."

*raucous laughter*

[genji2000]

"Get Colonial One on the line, Dee," mumbled Adama, gruffly. "Tell my crumpet it's Battenburg and Green Tea at four in my quarters."

"Yes sir, sir," answered the Final Cylon suspect. And she did, too.

"And Colonel Tigh," said Adama, addressing Colonel Tigh, "sort this frakking battle out."

Adama headed back to his room to plump up his pillows and cut the cake and that. On his way, though, he bumped into

[pagad]

Commander Adama. The other one.

"Who are you and what are you doing on my ship?!" they both roared simultaneously.

William Adama noticed the decor of the CIC had changed noticably to look somewhat like this:

http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y165/Iron_Warrior/CoreCommand.jpg

[laisan]

and the man gawping at the screen was actually watching Steve Jobs' keynote on the iPhone 3G:

http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y92/supersan128/bsg_tos_keynotes.jpg

Upon hearing how whizzy the new and improved iPhone 3G was this year's must have, both Adamas raced to the Apple store to purchase one.

[genji2000]

Unfortunately, in very real terms the activation system was made of scat, thus rendering the purchase of the iPhone nigh on impossible and borderline Microsoft. Plus the worth-having version was available only to new customers, thus forcing loyal existing customers to munch said scat, which was gashness.

By this time, of course, Lorna Doone was well dead, which returned the good ship Galactica to some semblance of Normanity.

Dateline: 1066 CE
Location: Earth
Situation: Hostile

"She blew you out again, sir," said Helo, charmingly.

"One of these days," Adamada retorted, "there will be no out."

"Are we going down?" asked the tall vestige of humanity. "To the surface?"

"Oh. Yeah. Yes. Let's roll that hard six."

The preparations began...

[pagad]

...to properly kick the arse of William of Normandy.

One nuke later...

[laisan]

the meek were trying to be taken over by the dinosaurs who weren't overly impresssed that GOD had sent jesus to spread the "word of GOD" to the beings which resembled his cousin Ted?

Umm, jeebus had noted that the yea was 1066, but he had a wonderful time machine you see, and thus able to visit his "cousin Ted".

[pagad]

*invokes No Country For Old Men*

...and then Adama woke up.

[The Dirt]

Adama found himself trapped on his ship, trying to put right what once went wrong. He hoped that each time that the fleet jumped, that it would be the jump home.

He stood there, in front of the mirror, counting the number newly sprouted whiskers that have turned gray.

"46... 47... 48... Damn, I'm an old fart!" Adama snorted.

"But daaaaamn sexy!" a familiar voice said.

Adama could see the silhouette of a figure in the mirror come into focus.

"That was a wild night," the voice drew closer.

[genji2000]

"Could you pass me that towel, Helo?" Adama asked.

"Sure thing, Bill," came the seductive whisper, all over him.

"'Sir,' if you don't mind. And then get over to the officers' quarters and see to your wife."

"Sure thing... sir," said Helo, using mouth words.

A number of minutes later, Helo strode purposefully into his domiciliary and seated himself.

"Where've you been, frakface?" asked Athena, sweetly, looking up from her laundry-folding. "Colonel Tigh's just been down here asking when you're going to massage his eye socket, and Hera's drawing those frakking pictures again."

"I've been bringing peace to a troubled heart," he responded resplendently. "Hera, honey, desist from the diabolical drawing, please."

And with that he got up and left, heading for the Colonel's quarters...